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    Default An Awkward adult, a litte rant & journal about myself

    Hi everyone, for those who click in to read, thank you. It's been really tiring for me lately, just want to throw everything out here by reminiscing.

    My life started out pretty smoothly, primary school was good, some nice crushes here and there, naive and playful kids, that's how I learn to like somebody. I still remember my first crush, she always scolds me for borrowing her stationery and smack me a couple of times playfully whenever I tease her. The most heart fluttering moments are the times where other students just ran up to me and told me who and who likes me, I don't know how to react, ah the youth isn't it? But everything change after we graduated, there is nothing like in anime or mangas where love would blossom as a childhood friend, it's nice to think about it now and then though.Things change when I head to secondary school. Yes the puberty, where hormones ran really wild, this is the period where events f up my personality in several ways. I remember where fellow mates start to hide stuff from each other, started gossiping about each other and end up hating each other. I am no different, I thought someone hated me and I kind of blurted out in social media, the next day the very person started gossiping about me. I got really angry and frustrated, I kept it in, I stray away from groups and I couldn't make any close friends. I grew to become more awkward and and graduated not knowing anyone nor have any contacts, I couldn't handle social skills very well, there are times where I feel I shouldn't be in this world, then I made an imaginary friends, of course it's a girl, I talked to myself(or her) about problems I faced everyday, I wrote it in a journal. However, as imaginative as I can be I just can't imagine a face for her, I want a love interest but I have don't even know what kind of criteria I should make.

    Friendster is pretty popular back then, I thought I would try making friends online, it backfired. I thought being a punk is cool, I tried to socialise with them, dyed my hair gold but I just couldn't blend in. I realise I'm not an aggressive person that can just blurt out vulgarities or pick a fight. I even got took advantage of, girls, yes. I literary almost got raped by a girl when I know nuts about sex. She was so on to me but I stopped before anything could go wrong. That's where my sexual desires ran amok, I choose to vent it out in the circle, I tried to know girls and take advantage of them when I couldn't control myself, it was around when I'm 16, but the phobia the very first girl left me managed to stopped me from going any further from foreplay. Sure enough, I still got into troubles with gang and because of my poor socialising skills, I tend to let myself loose and blurt out so call 'jiao weis'. I got called out by an older guy who claims he is in a gang, it's just over a game and all he talks about is about clashing and fighting or 1 on 1.Somehow I managed to talked myself out of the situation and found out I actually am very logical in person even under stressful situations. It's like a bolt from blue when one of my female chat friends told me that I'm immature or rather I'm an asshole to keep taking advantage of girls like this.

    I realise what I've been doing is really bad, like maybe I should kill myself again, conscience keeps coming for me. Before I got into poly I practically live my life just at home, I didn't dare to make friends or contact any girls. Thats where I found my sanctuary, ANIME. I thought anime are just cartoons, at first I got hooked into kids dueling or fighting anime. But it started out with Clannad, the anime that hit like a truck, I got hooked into the romance and also understands what it means to sacrifice for the relationships, also most importantly to be able to put myself in my parents shoes, I stopped fighting or arguing with them then. Then I laughed at comedies, envied harems and cried in many romance scenarios, it just strikes my heart so much and I kind of became an otaku. I enrolled to poly afterwards, even so social skills did not improve. Welcome to the real world where charisma and social skills are really important. But well I did have my lucky pervert times, I met a girl, quiet one. I chat with her several times on the net, I forgot how but we became fwb, I realise that I still am a guy and that a year of pent up frustration is taking over me, at the same time I'm unsure of myself if I can commit to any relationship. And from what I learned from the past, I managed to have a fwb relationship that both of us consent to, a little bit like Kuzu no Kouhai. My mistake is that I fell for her when I'm still immature in relationships, I did not dare to take the step to accept her even though I knew she likes me too, the relationship ended before I can start it. When I lose her I couldn't get over the things she did for me, the smell she had and the look in her eyes that wants me, I regret each and every part of that past. Still I decided to move on, awkward in social situations, still friendless. However, I had a clearer view as a third party, my ability to observe gets stronger and I see problems in a wider view, I am still able to talk online, I am able to advice people who came to me and talk to me about their problems, the start for craving for a serious relationship grow larger and larger in me. Yes I did get into a relationship again with someone I met online, but it was hasty and doesn't last 3 months, it was over when our passion burnt out, a lot on the physical side. I moved on again I learn from it that I should take it easy, then I found another one, and the problem is I didn't mess up or rather I became really boring. I stayed loyal and plan many things for our future, but my social skills is the killer again, I am neither charismatic nor a sweet talker. She left me saying she have problems her self. I realize relationships are much harder than I thought, it have to be two sided.

    I grew really fat through out my poly days, only when I am inspired by a senior from my NS then I am able to lose 20kg. I thought I can find another relationship again by gaining my self confidence back, but still it ended the same way, even though it lasted for 7 months, till now I couldn't forget a moment of what we did together, the times we went out together and even travelled overseas together, I thought she was the one, but she kept her heart to herself even though she gave it to me physically. At this point of time I'm still afraid of going all out in bed and I always stopped before the real thing began, I just couldn't bear myself to do it when I thought of my phobia and consequences, I promise myself to be able to do it if I am able to get into a really stable relationship. Anime is my sole comfort, I got really into it, I always put myself in the main character shoes and became a sucker for main characters who really able to give his all and sacrifice himself for the girl he loved, I want to be like that in reality. It just hurt to much when I thought about my past, like I couldn't take it when the girl that left me went to bed with another guy, that overwhelming feeling of both anger and sadness is just too much. I've then slowly grown to be a person who just want peace but unable to be loved. It gets really lonely at many times, reality is so much harsher than in anime and I choose to continue to hole up in my sanctuary, my interpersonal relationship is fine though. I managed to find work and work properly, thought my social skills get in my way sometime. My needs as a man and emotional needs kind of balances out now, thats why I tend to feel very emotional when watching anime that wash me and hit me with feels. Right now, I don't know how my future would play out, as I continue to watch my anime and mangas, when can I really find someone who would make my heart flutter again? The smell that made everything brighter? Anime series are one hell of a ride, with characters where everyone that called waifu so perfect it's impossible in real life, that's why I can only imagine myself in the anime, to understand how MC thinks and to act like one. I may be childish but isn't that what the world needs? Earnest and honest people, people who can always tell you what they truly think most of the time, to embrace each other and not to keep piling expectations after expectations. I know I may be evil, I wish the world will be engulfed in difficulties, because being in peace made us weary of each other, we build walls from each other. If war comes, if diseasters come, will you then open up and feel love again? The biggest impact recently is how Rem confessed to Subaru, we all have this rem in us, we want to love, but we got so scared we just see what we want, we can't act.

    It's not easy to open up, it's easy to gossip and hate someone else though, but many of us still love anime. Why not think a bit more like the main characters? You might be sacrificing yourself but if you see that smile on the other end, isn't more worth it? I might not be loved romantically for the rest of my life but I feel being sincere is very important, it's just, I'm so tired. The real world is just so cruel, so harsh and we are always expecting something out of each other, I wish there will be someone, I don't need groups of friends, or be popular. I just need that special one that would go all out for me and I would go all out for, in both good and bad times. Then have kids to teach them and have them carry our wills. I'm a working adult at age 24 turning 25 this year, maybe I'm at a quarter life crisis right now or maybe an old guy to some young kids here, I do wish my experience will help somebody to overcome barriers, or be able to love with all your heart. We make mistakes and get hurt all the time, but what is important is don't give up being the good person, no matter how many people have hurt you dump you, don't fall to the dark side.Someday I think that someone will come and tell you everything is all right, as I what I wish for myself too, hold it in until you met that person.

    Stay strong everyone! If you have any worries feel free to give me a pm I'll see if I can help, by helping I feel I will be able to discover and improve myself more.
    Last edited by Dreamer23; Feb 1st, 17 at 04:57 PM.

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